Peace, Faith, Grace, and Joy

A little bit of a different kind of post from me today.  To backtrack a little...I started attending a church almost 2 years ago.  On the recommendation from a friend, I took the girls to Browns Bridge Community Church.  I liked the laid back atmosphere, although was skeptical of the contemporati-ness of it.  I grew up in a traditional Episcopalian church.  I remember attending church school and being anxious for it to be over so I could join my mom in the adult service.  Since moving to GA, I have tried a few different churches.  Nothing has really stuck for me.  Until Browns Bridge.  Although it stuck more because my girls (especially Keelin) LOVED it.  I have had a distant relationship with God.  I do not like not knowing the WHY of things and so much really seems up in the air.  When we lost Ben, my distant relationship became non existent and a lot of anger replaced any other feeling I may have had.  Starting back into church 2 years ago, I still felt very unsure but I continued to go and really began hearing the messages.  Not so much sermons as more life lessons.  Since that point in time, Josh and Max have joined us and we attend as a family. I continue to feel like I am searching for my place and for a "relationship."  I envy my friends who appear to have this calm peace surrounding them.  Who have this blind faith and knowledge that I seem to be lacking.  About a month ago I received an email from one of Keelin's past small group leaders.  She and the other leader were beginning a study through Philippians.  They had just returned from China on a mission trip and felt the need to open a women's group and I was one of the women invited.  I felt very honored. I also felt that the invitation came at a time when I really needed a change or at least feel like I was making a change.  I attended my third session last Thursday.  These ladies are so patient with my search.  I think it was what I needed and I worry I will not know where to go once it is over.  I jot notes down and as I was sitting there I realized I wrote down four words:  peace, faith, grace, and joy.  Not asking a lot?  Ha!  I think these are four things that I long for in my journey.  I definitely feel pieces.  I feel joy and peace.  I am trying to live gracefully and with faith.  My greatest joy is my family.  I feel at peace running and taking pictures.  I believe that my goal is to feel all four throughout the facets in my life.  Like I said, a journey.....

xo~M

JOYous selfie with my boy

A little PEACE

More JOY

Hello November!

I can not believe it is November already.  Halloween has come and gone.  The first year that we have not gone trick or treating as a family...Keelin has apparently deemed us "uncool" and fled the neighborhood to go with her friends.  Ella and Max had a blast though, as did Josh and I.  We visited a local pumpkin patch with my sister and nieces.  We have had numerous soccer games...I have lost count.  Keelin performed in her middle school play again this year.  They performed the Wizard of Oz and she was THE BEST munchkin coroner I have ever seen OR heard.  She was absolutely amazing.  The entire cast was wonderful.  It is now over, as are the daily practices and the late dress rehearsals....phew.  Soccer marches on though and Josh has started his basketball coaching season.  Bye babe, I will miss you....
In other news, I continue to be Facebook free and it is easier and easier everyday.  I have been running a lot more-two 5Ks and one 10K under my belt in the last four weeks.  It makes me feel better.  I have connected with some "in real life" people, which has been really nice. I have enjoyed spending more time with my sister and running some races with her.  I have loved taking more pictures.  Enjoy ....

xo~M

My little Wolverine

Storm and The Flash

The cutest football player ever.....

Goalie girl gets on the field

Namaste in the jumpy house

Riding the bull

Evelyn sinking the principal's husband!

A beautiful tree I pass on my way to school

Max doing a throw in...check out his crossed legs!

Half time pep talk

Keelin

Grasshopper on Max's loofah

The front yard tree...before

And after.....

Keelin's show roses from Aunt Kristin

Keelin's play

From social media to real life

I de-activated Facebook one week ago. For several reasons-1) time consumption -just don't go on one would say.  Easier said than done, I say.  If I could figure out why I feel the need to surround myself with "friends"...well that's the million dollar question.  2) as a good friend of mine said. "I feel like I know too much"  - this is true.  I know who ate waffles for breakfast, whose kid had a breakdown in Target, and who ran 5 miles and "FEELS GREAT" (while I feel like crap-again easier said than done to NOT compare).  I felt myself doing the same thing..."5 miles in sub 50!" And for what?  WHO NEEDS TO KNOW THAT?  WHY do I need approval or "likes" to feel good about something that should just make me feel good?  3) some things that you read or see hurt.  Ok so just de-friend THOSE people.  When it comes down to it, it is just way too much. Too much time, energy, nonsense....The things I have liked are coming into contact with people with whom I have
not seen or heard from in a long time.  If I am meant to stay in contact, there are still phones and emails, right? I have also liked it for getting information out to a large number of people either in alert or support.  The last, a friend of mine has a clothing boutique exclusively through Facebook.  Well, I guess I will save a little money.  So I am 1 week FB-free and I have to admit, I am still feeling twitchy. I reach for the iPad or my phone to check in.  What is going on on?  I MUST know.  I know it will pass.  I will be better for it, I am sure.  In the meantime, I am still on Instagram-(I do like it because it is picture based) and I am making time for real life status updates.....Here are some from this week.

xo~M

My boy

MEOW!!!!

All the cousins

My sweet niece, Evelyn, posing on the pumpkin

I thought this was a pretty cool pumpkin-looked like peanuts on it.

Max found some bat sunglasses in the store.

I talon I found!  Awesome find!  Josh dumped his drink out and put it in the cup for the kids to take to school.

Koi pond

My girly-girl gets an NFL face painting....it says UA (Under Armour) on the other cheek....

My beautiful butterfly

Our front yard

This was not Max's ball to get, but I LOVE the huge smile on his face while he is running!

Lucky Number 13!!!

13 years ago.  October 5th at 8:45 in the morning, Keelin Gray entered the world.  I remember watching the Today show and Katie Couric talking about how the 5th was a popular birth date because it is 40 weeks from New Year's Eve.  Except Keelin was a week late!  She was the sweetest little baby.  Now a teenager. I can't believe it.  I am so proud of the young lady she is growing up to be...as a daughter, sister, singer, actress, student, athlete, and friend.  She is beautiful inside and out.  (I try to remember this when she is fighting with her sister or telling me how I am SO unfair!)  I loved that her birthday was on a weekend.  Here is to another wonderful year....

xo~M

Opening presents

Opening cards and presents before running out to soccer!

The knife was coincidental....just thought it was a funny...."do you want to see your next birthday?" kind of shot!

Sweet sisters at their first 5K

Braces off!

11 Years

I was making dinner and listening to Pandora.  Sara Bareilles' voice came on to intro a song.  "I wrote this song, Gravity...after my first heartbreak."  It struck a cord with me.  I thought my first high school boyfriend broke my heart....then I thought, no that could NOT have been heartbreak, my first serious college boyfriend, HE broke my heart.  Moving on....no, no any number of choices I made could have led to heartbreak.  My dad died when I was 16...heartbreak?  The rate I am going, my heart is in a million little pieces.  The definition of heartbreak:  overwhelming mental anguish or grief, especially that caused by loss or disappointment.  Just reading the definition, brings tears to my eyes threatening to spill over onto the keyboard.  And I know...I KNOW with every piece of me...when my heart actually broke.  I was sitting in a doctor's office.  I was looking at my son on an ultrasound screen.  I was in the specialists' office-hearing the Doctor's words.  I was in the hospital as my OB asked me if we catholic and if we wanted a chaplain.  I was numb sitting on my couch watching the world out my window, wishing I was invisible.  Wishing I was with my son.  A million little pieces....
A three year old little girl climbed onto my lap, holding my hand as I watched out the window.  Finding out I was pregnant with Ella.  Helping to chair the Walk to Remember in Atlanta.  Having Max and listening to  him talk about Ben more than anyone in our family.  Finding friends to share in this journey.  Having my silent army in blue every October 1st and March 7th....all of these things and more fill the cracks.  A broken heart pieced back together with love and support.  It is a sad day.  I miss my son.  But I am grateful for Keelin, Ella, and Max.  I am grateful for Josh and my support from near and far.  There was overwhelming anguish and grief.  There has also been overwhelming joy.

xo~M

My little memory area complete with the candle scent I made especially for him. 

My mommy necklace with all of my babies' names.

A tired looking selfie...in my blue :)

Sister Time

No one loves you like your sisters.  When my girls fight, I cringe.  At the same time I know that in 2 minutes they will be besties again.  I have had some friendship difficulties lately which have weighed heavily on me.  I am trying to instill in my girls that no matter what, your sister WILL be your Best Friend Forever.  You can fight, say things you don't mean, hurt each other...but your sister will be there for you-your fiercest, most loyal ally.  I am fortunate to be geographically close to one of my sisters and close in relationship to both of my sisters.  I love them so much.  And when I need them, they are there.  Whether they are far from me or not.  We got matching tattoos a couple of years ago. The lyrics are from the Nixons song, Sister.  "Our souls speak"  each word written in one of our handwriting.  The line from the song, "inter-twined, you and I, Our Souls Speak from across the miles..." Thank you Krissy and Bean for being my best friends in life.  For being there to talk me through the rough spots.  For being there when I am overjoyed. For being there...always....

xo~M

chillaxin with Krissy last night....a little blurry due to taking pic with iPad and consuming much vino

Our sister tat <3