Getting Real

...deep breath....literally.....It took the writing of a dear, sweet girl...whom I used to teach and babysit and who is now a high school senior ....to get me to this place.  I love you Ali.
I left Facebook not because I don't care about my friends on it.  Not because I wanted to lose touch.  But because for me it became "Fakebook."  And it made me feel bad about myself.  Not to anyone else's fault.  It was how I saw it.  I saw everyone's happy life.  Everyone's smiling pictures.  Everyone's "best day ever!" And I was at fault too.  Who posts real life?  Who posts the real stuff?  Very few people do and I left and I am ok with that.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point.  I don't know why.  I have encouraged other people to this place.  I have been a sounding board.  But for me. I am not sure why.  I don't think it is shame or stigma.  It lives deep within me.  It was a seed planted when I was little and it grew and grew.  And it just got too big for me.  I remember first being anxious when I was less than 9 years old. I do not remember my exact age only that I know it was before 9.  I didn't know it was anxiety but feeling that way other times in my life after I knew the word, I figured it out.  I had my first panic attack in 2002.  Right after we lost Ben.  I was in a grocery store.  Surrounded by babies.  They were all over.  They were looking at me.  Every single one of them.  I thought I was dying.  I couldn't breathe.  Fast forward.  2007-ish I am at the Drs because I feel wrong.  I can't get anything done.  I don't feel I am doing my best at anything....work, mommyhood, wifeness, life....It is the first time I have asked for help.  My Dr. gives me a list if therapists.  I start looking through the list and cross referencing with my insurance plan.  No one.  Out of pocket.  100$ an hour?  At this point, it may as well been a million.  I dug in (because I am stubborn) and figured, I have done it before, I can do it again.  I can do this.  Another fast forward.  2012....in Drs office.  I have found a Physician's assistant who listens to me.  I am crying.  I can't do this.  Time number 2 I have asked for help.  I can't sleep.  I THINK all the time.  I WORRY all the time.  My mind is always going.  I can't sit and read (which I LOVE to do) because I am worrying about something, someone....She prescribes me some medicine.  I am ambivalent.  I am skeptical.  I am worried.  She asks me to try.  I say ok.  I try.  I try taking it at night and it keeps me awake.  I call her.  I start taking it in the morning.  I can think.  I can sleep.  I worry - but I don't worry to the point that I am a worry puddle.  A cough isn't pneumonia.  I fever that won't go away isn't leukemia.  A tic bite isn't lyme disease (I will save THAT story for another day).  I have anxiety.  I am dealing with my anxiety.  I take medication and I talk to other people who suffer from it.  I still have not found a therapist (although I have not looked in a while) . Instead I have my family,my circle of few friends, a bible study group....
So thank you Ali....for helping and even though you didn't know it, challenging me to be real.

xo~M

My new daily reminder....I absolutely LOVE it

Everyone can use a little help being happier!  Bring it on, Gretchen!