The sky is crying

We lost Ben 10 years ago tomorrow.  Sometimes anticipation of a bad day is worse than the day itself. I remember 10 years ago.  Thinking about having to go to the hospital the next morning.  Thinking if I stayed up all night, the day would never come.  It came and here I am 10 years later.  There is still a hole in my heart.  There is still pain and grief.  I was sitting here with the tv on "watching" a show and thinking about my son.  It had started to rain a while ago but now it was raining hard enough that I could hear it through our open windows.  I could smell it in the night air.  And I wanted to be out there.  Sitting in the rain.  No umbrella, no cover.  Just let the tears of heaven fall on me. 
I have my moments throughout the year.  I take joy in Keelin, Ella, and Max (and Josh).  Some days I am not even sad.  I think of Ben every night when I say my prayers.  I sleep with his blanket wrapped around my bed post, right next to my head.  I re-read my journals this weekend from 10 years ago.  I will wear blue in remembrance of my son tomorrow.  The one I didn't get to hold.

~8~ Bennett Galen Unger 10-1-2002

xo~M

 

These were the tulips we planted in our garden in our house on Saranac in Buffalo in remembrance of Ben.  We dug up all of the bulbs and re-planted here in Georgia where we also have daisies in his garden.   



Potty Words

Sometimes I can not believe the words that come out of my kids' mouths.  A few months ago, Max was going to take a shower with Josh and asked what it was hanging under his peepers (he calls his penis, peepers) Josh and I were on either side of Max and looked at each other over Max's head.  Josh wanted to tell him the real words and I didn't.  I encourage creativity!  LOL  Anyway, we said, "well what do you think it is?"  Uh full well knowing he is 4 and has no clue.  He put his finger to his scrunched up mouth and then said, "I know!  Scrambles with friends."  Oh my gosh, Josh and I almost keeled over laughing.  Where do kids come up with this stuff?  About a week later he had his 4 year old check up at the Dr.  She had to check everything out and he covered it with his hands and said, "my scrambles with friends is private!"  Dr. E literally had to lay her head down on the examination table because she was laughing so hard.  Fast forward 6 months to tonight.  Naked boy is running around my bedroom.  I stopped him and said he needed to get his pjs on.  I asked if he remembered what his parts were called.  Again the concentrated look.  Then he shot his hand up and yelled, "my tentacles!"  So much for teaching him the "right word...."

xo~M

PS when Max is old enough to read this, I am not sure he will laugh as hard as we do.....



Wake me up when September Ends....

About this time time every year I drop into a little bit of a funk.  I didn't realize it was coming this time...just knew I was down and could not figure out why.  Then I remembered...of course...how could I forget.  I NEVER forget.  Sometimes it is the Walk that triggers it. Getting all the registrations and baby names.  This time the trigger man was someone completely unexpected....Max.  Tonight I was tucking Max in and he was telling me about his church class today.  He quoted his verse, "Nothing can separate us from God's Love.  Romans 8:39"  And yes he knew the chapter.  As I was leaving his room he asked me..."mommy, who is Ben?"  I turned around.  "Who buddy?"  "You know, Ben....when we let a balloon go for him."  I am not sure how the verse brought on his asking about his brother.  So I told him.  I told him that Ben was his brother.  "Where is he?"  "He is in heaven with God?"  "What happened to him? When is his birthday?  I want to have 2 brothers."  Rapid fire questions and comments. He seemed sad.  Maybe I should not have told him but I didn't want to NOT tell him.  He remembers attending the Walk last year.  He remembers Ben's name.  It is not like we talk about him all the time.  What caused Max to ask about him?  As I am answering his questions, tiny pinpricks of pain invade my heart and soul.  I want to talk, but I don't want to....I want to remember, but I don't want to....I want to be grateful for the three I am allowed with me and I am...grateful.  I don't have a picture of Bennett...but here are a few of my sweet earth angels...

xo~M  Remembering Bennett ~8~ 10-1-02

 Picture by: Jenn Sorrell

 Picture by : Jenn Sorrell

 Picture by: Jenn Sorrell

 Picture by: Jenn Sorrell

On second thought...when October ends.....



Look at my nuts....they're really special

So yesterday was a rarity....NO soccer!  Well, due to inclement weather.  The fields were soaked so Ella's goalie training was cancelled and Keelin's practice was cancelled.  I got a text from Josh...."We get a nite off!"  Yippeee....Keelin still had voice, so we all piled in the car and drove her there.  While she had her lesson, Josh, Ella, Max, and I went for a walk.  Now the sun was shining and it was beautiful out.  Max has an eagle eye for acorns.  A year ago we were hiking with our friends from Florida.  Max collected acorns on the walk.  When back in the car, he said to his friend who is a year older, "Hey Abby!  Look at my nuts!  They're really special!"  So....acorns have become really SPECIAL to us.  And every time we see them, we giggle.  Max gathered many yesterday and we filled hands and pockets for the walk back to the car.  Inspired by my friend, Stacy, I suggested to Max that he paint them fall colors. You would have thought I told him we were going to Disney.  I am the BEST mom EVER!  So we spread out newspaper and Max went about painting his special nuts.  We will display them for the fall season :)

xo~M

 

 

Thank you Stacy & Cole :)

Oh my loofah......

I wish I had started blogging sooner.  When the girls were little, I put all my efforts into scrapbooking and documenting their lives and experiences through photos.  Even before them, I think I used to have some good ideas or thoughts worth blogging!  Alas, I have waited this long so many of the little anecdotes belong to Max.  It is only fair to the girls though to go down memory lane a little!  Keelin has always been creative.  When she was smaller, she would play with playdoh or color for hours.  Sometimes I would put her down on a piece of butcher block paper and let her "paint." Now she is a creative writer, making up stories, poems, and plays.  Ella loves to build her legos and invent things.  She will put the legos together with the instructions, but then I watch the wheels turning as she creates something new with those same lego pieces.  She is the first one to run to the kitchen when she sees me pull the kitchen aid out to help me bake.  She helps Aunt Kristin every Christmas Eve with a desert concoction.  Max also likes to help in the kitchen.  He also loves the yard and to garden.  He wants to plant everything.  A kindergarten teacher at my school has a science center in her classroom.  Max asks about EVERYTHING.  She had a piece of loofah that intrigued him.  We learned that the loofah we use for our skin is called Chinese Okra and it is grown from a seed.  Max was sold.  We bought a pack of seeds over spring break and planted them immediately. So the the photos below are a progression of the growth of Max's Loofah. We started in April 2012 and soon we will document "The Harvest."  Enjoy.....xo~M

**Next year Max has his heart set on planting sunflowers and blueberry bushes.

 

 

This is our living room window.

 The loofah has now grown up to the 2nd floor of our house and to Josh and my bedroom windows.

 





When the loofah is ready to sprout, the vine loses it's flower.  This is one Max found on the ground. 

 

So one morning, I opened my blinds and this is what I saw.....our first actual LOOFAH/okra! 

 Stay tuned for the harvest.....



A girl of many talents

My greatest source of pride is my kids.  As hectic and crazy as our life is, when one of them accomplishes something, it makes my heart burst with joy and pride in them.  Keelin is a wonderful student.  She is in the gifted program, reads WAY above grade level, and loves to write (fills notebooks and journals with stories and poems). The girl has seen a B in her lifetime, but I can honestly count on one hand the number of times.  She is phenomenal on the soccer team.  I know I talk a lot about Ella on the travel team, but Keelin has been "recruited" as well and chose not to try out.  She loves her rec team.  Loves playing with the girls she has become friends with.  That being said, she is 11 ~ playing on a U14 team.  11 v 11 on a full field!  Girlfriend has some speed AND some moves.  She scored the first goal of the game and season last Saturday...splitting the defense like no ones business.  And her smile lit up the field at the same time mine lit up the sidelines.  One of the reasons Keelin enjoys rec is the schedule.  It is a little more relaxed so she has time for her other passions- singing and acting.  Keelin tried out for the musical, The Little Mermaid, at her middle school.  Close to 200 kids tried out for 80 parts with 18 parts set aside for 6th graders.  Drumroll please....Keelin is a jellyfish!  And an announcer.  She participates in 6 shows!  She was so excited!  She wanted Ursula...but larger parts are reserved for 7th and 8th graders, so she will get her chance....next year;) So here are some pictures of my first pride and joy....Keelin Gray

xo~M

 

Keelin as Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty in May

Girl's record holder for the shuttle run for our school!

At her game last weekend



Rich in Life

The other night we were all eating dinner together and the word "rich" came up into conversation.  Max asked, "what does rich mean?" (Max always asks what words mean!) Keelin started to answer and I really think she was trying to answer in a way that a 4 year old would understand.  She said, "well...rich means that you live in a really big house or you have really nice or fancy clothes...." and before she could offer up other examples, Max interrupted her and said: "oh, we are rich then!  Cuz we have a big house and I have really fancy clothes!"  Now, we are not wealthy by any means.  We are both teachers, we have loan payments, car payments, credit card debt....like most families!  But to Max, we are rich.  To him, the house is big and his clothes are fancy.  It made my heart swell.  In Max's perspective, this is his "rich."  And in that moment, I realized that we are, in our own way. 
These pictures are from this weekend.  Just playing in the yard, rich in life:)  Keelin and El playing soccer and Ella teaching Max how to be a quarterback and a center!  It was too sweet. 

xo~M

 

 

 

And here is sweet Zoey...who got in on the action.  Always ready to play fetch with the tennis ball:) Plus she got an outside bath.